BDSM FOR COUPLES | Sessions, Rituals, Ceremonies, Mentoring and Coaching

I know from experience, being in a committed lifestyle D/s relationship myself, that BDSM partnerships have the possibility of being deeply fulfilling. 

They also can go badly wrong when people confuse “abuse” with “Dominance”, or forget to communicate. Also, when a Dominant or Sadist doesn’t have the correct skills required for certain activities, or a sub doesn't know or want to communicate his/her preference, hard and soft limits, a session can turn into a nightmare that could have been avoided with the appropriate training, researches. 

Honest communication on both parts is the cornerstone of consensual relationships, they can’t exist without this essential ingredient. 

It follows that this model transpires more readily in all areas of life than in a lot of vanilla partnerships. Plus it is fun and sexy to get involved together in learning more about what turns us on.

In this article, I give an account of some of the ways I work with couples. This is not exhaustive; as we all know that there are as many avenues to expressing our sexuality as there are people.

It takes a lot of courage both from a Dominant and a submissive to vow to be authentic and explore with openness what might turn each of us on, this creates a deeper sense of connection and love.

Because there is nothing like real live experiences, I have chosen a few examples of wonderful couples I have worked with which may sound partly relevant to your own journey. Or, if you are just starting to explore the vast - if very niche - territory of BDSM and kink, these little windows into other couples stories, might interest you.

1/ The young Mistress and her sub

BDSM mentoring, coaching and teaching 

She looks lovely in her leather skirt and her lace shirt revealing a gorgeous brassiere. She wears flat buckled black suede shoes. She is both confident and inquisitive, playful and bossy. She allows her puppy/slave to kiss her hands whilst wiggling his tail. Slave, exhausted after the session is very, very eager to oblige his cherished Mistress and wife... It is a lovely scene to behold.

During the coaching /thinking phase which happened previous to the session, Alia* and I, explored her style, her persona, and areas of uncertainty. Her slave wasn't present during this "Thinking Time". 

Alia is fairly new to this world: she has just finished the Dominatrix Seven Realm Arts™ certificate course with authoress and sex Educator Anne O Nommis*. Now she wants to get a broader experience by trying activities that she feels both, her husband and her will enjoy. 

We discuss the particular of the two techniques that we will work on this evening and review the plan of the session; We will integrate these "new" forms of play into the ensuing 1h30' 2.2.1 session that I have sketched in advance of their appointment. In this way, they will both benefit from the session: she can practice her favourite games and discover new "vocabulary" under guidance. 

He will be able to bask in glorious "sub-space" being dominated by two Women. She will also pick up things that she might use at a later stage on her own by shadowing me. 

2/ rose and her new Master: A celebration of love 

BDSM Couple session

Her voice is warm and vibrant; I haven't seen her in one year, rose explains that she has found a new Master and she has found love, may they visit for a session where I will dominate her for him. I remember rose very well: she is petite, golden, a mischievous masochist / submissive with a gorgeous smile. She embraces and endures pain with so much grace, sensuality and joy that it is a true delight to witness. I am glad to hear that she has found someone who might be as talented and dedicated as herself. 

Masters visit me sometimes with their submissives but in my space, I lead the dance. As in all cases, I exchange emails with both Mistress or Master and submissive (or two submissives). I thus get a feeling for both of them. This helps me either to create a Ritual around the event they wish to mark, tailor a session and/or get a sense of where mentoring could be needed, techniques improved or explored. We will define the goal(s) just before the session or the first of a series of sessions. 

During this exchange, we may find areas that need addressing, D/s dynamics, logistics, confidence, balancing reality and fantasy, managing expectations, communication... They will be discussed during coaching sessions. One to one coaching or "Thinking" sessions with either partner and both. The idea is to assist the D/s (or M/s) relationship flourish and both partners feel their desires are being met. Which can prove tricky at times.

3/ Victoire and slave b: flexing and stretching 

BDSM Mentoring session for a Lifestyle Dominatrix with my slave

Victoire is a remarkable Woman, she is beautiful, intelligent, intuitive, strong, caring and creative. A student of Anne O Nomis, she has been incorporating BDSM in her life ever since her husband confessed - after many years of marriage - that he is a submissive, always has been and can not repress this important part of himself anymore. Open and curious, she set out to explore how she could find “the Mistress” in herself. This led to various experiments with her husband and partner and also to the excellent course referred above. 

It is at the point of concluding the certificate that she contacted me for hands-on training without her husband. She planed to attend sessions here with her husband at a later stage of her training. And they did, several times.

Attending sessions without her partner whilst exploring her Dominatrix Persona, she could freely express herself without having her slave offering comments and directions during their play. She could also try various activities to have a feel for them on her own, without needing to “please” her beloved husband. 

In these sessions, I am assisted by one of my slaves who I know well. Because we trust each other, my slaves know that I will have their back whilst a novice Mistress stretches her wings. They know that I will insist on a careful awareness of where they are at any time, they know that I will enhance Nurturing, Connection, Communication and After Care.

Parallel to this, she comes for coaching / Thinking sessions to integrate the work done, to talk about how she is evolving into this nascent persona, the emotions or thoughts that might have been triggered in sessions. We explore how best she can incorporate BDSM into her life. Issues often crop up, especially in a couple who had a long vanilla relationship before switching to a BDSM lifestyle. 

4/ Amelia and georg: the Renewal of vows

BDSM Ritual Ceremony

georg contacted me to arrange a special ceremony for the 20th anniversary of his marriage with his Mistress. I understood that this celebration was both a celebration and an atonement on his part.

Amelia on her side wanted to renew her commitment and show her love to her sub/husband in the way they best enjoyed. They both wanted to reconnect to the magical space of their attachment to one another. I was to hold the space, be thee Disciplinarian and the withness of this deeply moving ritual with a seasoned couple.

These sessions don't require mentoring nor do they demand coaching. I am a privileged officiant and attendant to a very intimate event. 

5/ sam and sara: two submissives

BDSM couple session: one Mistress, two submissives

What happens when two persons have both a thirst to submit? 

There are many paths to explore for couples who desire to submit. Sara and sam have found many creative ways to explore their sexuality. sam and sara are kinky partners. They go to events where they play with other participants and they see Mistresses. In their amorous life, sara often plays the Dominant and they visit me when sara feels like being played with whilst her partner, in some sort of predicament, watches her delighting in pain and pleasure administered by a third person. 

Sara's exhibitionism and masochism as well as the impossibility to take part in what is happening nor to relieve himself due to strong bondage and forced chastity is ecstasy for sam.

Maîtresse Nuit

All participants names have been changed in order to preserved their identity

Should you wish to enquire about a BDSM Couple Session, Ritual or Ceremony, email me

If you want to know more about BDSM mentoring and Coaching consult this page and if you are interested in either or both, email me

Read

• The History of the Dominatrix by Anne O Nommis

• BDSM 101 by Rev. Jen is a must.

• The New Bottoming Book and its sister The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy are essential in BDSM aficionados bookshelves.

• Thinking Time or Thinking Session is how I like to call my Coaching sessions. I recommend anyone interested in D/s and intimate and authentic relationships to read this book on Listening: Time to Think by Nancy Kline.

THE ART OF BALANCING DESIRES: exploring eroticism beyond the shores of vanilla sex into femdom based bdsm and/or kink within a relationship.

From the fantasies of one partner, to the fantasies of both, to assessing each partners desires and exploring alone and together how to imagine and manifest a new shaped Femdom sex life.

A portion of my practice as a coach and mentor is dedicated to support people who either wish to explore their sexuality and have found that BDSM and/or kink speaks to them or those who already practice a form of Femdom based BDSM and/or kink.

I get requests for support when fairly new Dominants wish to have hands-on mentoring in real time in order to learn and/or develop certain skills as well as deepen their understanding of the psychology of BDSM and kink. These dominants may or not be in a committed relationship.

I also get request for support from couples who wish to deepen their practice and address issues they encounter which prevents them to fully enjoy their renewed sexuality and intimacy with each other.

The balancing of desires is often an underlying cause of tension between partners in a couple. This goes for vanilla as well a kinky and BDSM partners.

It can reveals itself as couples, who are in the midst of transforming their vanilla sex life into a form of BDSM and/or kink one, start experiencing discrepancies which are not always obvious to acknowledge.

Balancing desires presupposes that both partners have a sense of what they like and wish to experience, that they are aware of their sexual fantasies and that they are prepared to talk openly with each other. 

Research has shown that “greater sexual self-disclosure leads to greater emotional intimacy, which in turn facilitates increased sexual satisfaction” (MacNeil & Byers, 1997).  Furthermore, other studies have shown the link between sexual assertiveness, attachment orientation and sexual satisfaction: “sexual assertiveness is one distinct mechanism in the pathway between attachment orientation and sexual satisfaction. Further, this mediational model was significant for both genders separately.” (Eklund, R. & Hjelm, A. from Örebro University  2017).

KNOW THYSELF, KNOW YOUR PARTNER: Fantasy & reality

“Fantasy mirrors desire. Imagination reshapes it.”  Mason Cooley

Perhaps I am doomed to retrace my steps under the illusion that I am exploring, doomed to try and learn what I should simply recognise, learning a mere fraction of what I have forgotten.  Andre Breton

I ask each partner independently a series of questions which help them think about their sexual fantasies, what they already know they like and what they believe they would like to explore. I ask them what they wish to feel emotionally as well as physically. I ask them how they see themselves in the psychosexual game of avatars. Starting the investigation at the fantasy level, offers a playground where everything is possible. It is creative, unencumbered  by reality and logistics. It allows for little nuggets which may be lodged in the darkness to come to the surface. At this point it is crucial to be as uncensored as possible. This investigation looks at recurring images, dreams, passages in literature, paintings, photos, films sequences that have a strong erotic pull for each of the partners.

Once, the fantasy world has been examined, the investigation focuses on what each partner would like to experience in reality, it helps shape the play, highlights hard - taboos - and soft limits - maybe one day -. Because it brings back each partner to reality, it helps formulate how this dynamic could play out and be integrated into a more conventional life for instance, or how a 24/7 could look like. One soon discovers that there are as many ways to manifest a D/s or M/s dynamic as they are couples. It is most relevant here to have integrity with oneself.

For the Dominant, it is also a place where they can think on exploring skills and techniques they might want to develop.

Then the questionnaire looks at one’s partner, what the “investigator” knows about them sexually, emotionally, what they think their wonderful partner would like, dislike, where they could be curious, open. Here again, we look at avatars which, for being somewhat clichés, can help to start the elaboration and / or the development of a character. 

We examine what could prevent such a dynamic to manifesting: we look at fear, shame, past problems, residue of anger, how they may trip up this amazing plan of creating intimacy. 

This personal investigation is a crucial step: not only to have a better sense of oneself sexually and emotionally, but also because it serves as a foundation for the next step of communication and exploration with your partner. Through honest communication, vulnerability, we become sexually assertive as well as curious. Through being open, we can build intimacy, well-being and joy.

NAVIGATING UNCHARTED WATERS: Communication, Vulnerability, Trust, Intimacy

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”  Rollo May

Now comes the time of sharing what each partner has learned during the personal enquiry phase. The key here is trust, curiosity, transparency, deep listening and setting uninterrupted amount of time for both of you to share and compare. 

It helps to not interrupt whilst one is talking and to paraphrase here and there. Make mental notes of questions you may have, or various feeling that a particular topic may have triggered but don’t ask questions until you both have shared.

This initial sharing will probably surprise both of you: I may confirm some things you thought you knew about your partner, it may as well highlight things that had completely escaped you. It may trigger emotions positive was well as negative, be gentle with yourself and with your partner. Remember to be curious, to trust yourself and your partner and the process. You are exploring each other psychosexual landscape, you are being open to each other, it is sexy to navigate uncharted waters. I find it helps when I remind my coachees that this is akin to playing, albeit without the accoutrements of BDSM and Kink. 

Be really aware of your partner as well as yourself, notice their breathing, their body posture, their eyes. Be totally with them, whilst remaining centred.

When we enter the realm of the unknown, libido wakes up. It can be scary, embarrassing, sometimes daunting. Feel the sensations that accompany the feelings, don’t push them aways, don’t resist them, take your time and if you can, embrace the discomfort. The sensations and feelings may morph into something incredibly hot and flowing or tickling and light like butterflies and silver fishes. You are creating a virtuous cycle.

If the discomfort is too much for one of you, you might want to call for a short timed pause that you both agree on: 5 to 15’ is enough. During this time, give each other space, don’t engage with other people -in real life or on your telephone- and resume the conversation.

Remember the aim of this first conversation is to share and listen, to re-establish trust and intimacy. Later on, you will have other conversations about exploring how you two can manifest a D/s relationship that nurture both, set intentions, and determine how it may look like in reality for you two. 

Nothing great is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig. I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen.  Epictetus

As  with the previous stage, the conversation can be done on your own or with the support of an intimacy coach or therapist, preferably versed in the subtleties of BDSM and Kink.

I wish you wonderful, authentic exchanges and hot connection!

Maîtresse Nuit

I’ll be happy to discuss with you how I may support you: contact me for an appointment 

Consult BDSM Coaching & mentoring page