The Push and Pull: Navigating the Ambivalence Between Embracing BDSM and Fearing It

Preambule

BDSM practitioners abide by the rule of SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. For us mutual respect, clear open communication, curiosity and trust, form the corner stone of our erotic explorations into power exchange.

“For nature's fascism is greater than that of any society. There is a daemonic instability in sexual relations that we may have to accept.” Camille Paglia “The Sexual Personae”

When inexperienced people think of BDSM they often misunderstand what it is all about, and view it from distorted lens. They make incorrect assumptions about what it is and who the people who participate in are.

BDSM which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism, can be understood as a niche within the larger umbrella of Kink. Kink, BDSM, and fetishes are sexual interests and/or behaviours that are atypical, meaning that the people who are into it represent a smaller proportion of the sexual behaviours of the general public. 

The open explorations of our sexual desires and fantasies of any kind, including BDSM, Kink and Fetishes lead to a fuller, healthier, empathetic, empowering, and of course, more erotic life.

Beneath the surface of these explorations lies something deeper—a path of self-awareness and personal growth, agency and authenticity. However, for those who feel drawn to BDSM, there is often a complex ambivalence at play: a simultaneous desire to embrace BDSM and explore one’s fantasies of power exchange, as well as an intense fear of what that might mean for one’s identity, relationships, and sense of security.

This internal conflict is common for many who explore BDSM for the first time. The excitement of discovering new aspects of themselves and playing with potent erotic material can be intoxicating, but the fear of fully stepping into that world—of confronting the deep-seated shadows within—can be equally overwhelming. It’s a dance between desire, curiosity and anxiety, vulnerability and self-protection, trust and fear.

The Desire to Explore vs. the Fear of Exposure.

For many, the initial attraction to BDSM is compelling. There’s a curiosity to explore power dynamics, to give up control or take it in a way that feels both freeing, erotic and exhilarating. The promise of self-discovery, creativity, and even spiritual awakening is alluring, empowering. There’s the possibility of uncovering aspects of oneself that have been repressed or hidden, breaking through the barriers of conventionality and entering a world where the mind and body are stretched in new, intense ways.

Yet, alongside this desire lies the looming fear. The fear of what others might think, the fear of vulnerability, and perhaps most pressing—the fear of change. To embrace BDSM is to open the door to new experiences that can feel destabilising, even threatening, and immensely erotic in the moment. Until… waking up from a hot fantasy, or even better a scene, questions arise often unwarranted: How will this fit with my life? Can I keep this hidden? What if I can’t handle it?

This internal tension—between wanting to explore and being afraid of what that exploration might demand—can create a kind of emotional gridlock. The pull towards BDSM feels like a call to authenticity, a chance to align more fully with one’s true desires, but the fear of exposing oneself, of being judged or misunderstood, and maybe rejected, holds many back. It’s the feeling of standing at the edge of something profound, yet recoiling from taking the leap.

The Shadow Within: Facing the Fear and discovering what an erotic life promises for those of us who are drawned to BDSM.

At the heart of this ambivalence lies the “shadow"— C.G.Jung called The Shadow those parts of ourselves that we are either unaware of, that we have possibly denied or/and never examined. The fear that accompanies BDSM often stems from these hidden aspects of our psyche: fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, and the unacknowledged needs that we fear will make us vulnerable or unacceptable to others.

BDSM can be much more than the sum of its physical acts of bondage or role-play, discipline, humiliation or gender exploration - to name but a few -; it’s about acknowledging and engaging with these aspects of shadow and coming face-to-face with the emotional and psychological baggage we carry. 

When we engage in BDSM, we explore how we feel about power, control, pain, and submission—both within the scene and inevitably within our own lives unless we live totally disassociated from ourselves. 

And we find out what living an erotic life offers: to be truly alive, intimate, engaged, connected.

“Eroticism, it may be said, is assenting to life up to the point of death.” Georges Bataille “Eroticism"

A Soul Centred approach to BDSM

Invites one to integrate the energy created by exploring our erotic fantasies in the “flesh” and bringing all the potency of being finally “at one” with our desires - however weird, unpalatable, politically incorrect, and sometimes repulsing they may be thought about by others - into one’s life. 

Note, I am talking about integrating the potency, not acting out in non-consensual manners.

Do we have the courage to acknowledge these hidden desires, to step into a space where we allow others to see our vulnerability and strength outside the safety of the dungeon?

The fear of exposing our true selves—our deepest desires, our fantasies, our fears—is a natural part of the process. But in order to truly grow, we must at least ask ourselves these questions, face that fear, not avoid it. This is the work that BDSM demands: honesty, transparency, and a willingness to confront those darker corners of our psyche. The act of submission, of letting go, requires deep trust—not just in the dominant partner but also in ourselves.

The Dilemma of Secrecy vs. Openness

For those who are deeply conflicted about embracing BDSM, another layer of ambivalence comes from the question of secrecy. Can you keep this aspect of yourself hidden, or will you eventually need to share it with others?

The temptation to compartmentalise one’s BDSM desires and keep them in a "separate" part of life is strong. For many, there’s a desire to explore this side of themselves but to keep it discreet, perhaps because of fear of judgment or potential fallout. What will my partner think? What if my friends and family find out? How can I reconcile this part of myself with my everyday life?

The problem with secrecy, however, is that it can become a burden. The weight of hiding part of who you are, of keeping something so fundamental to your well-being in the shadows, can create anxiety and tension. Those questions will persist: Can I continue to live this dual life? What happens if someone discovers my secret? Bear in mind that for some BDSM players, these fears are integral to their fantasy. 

I must be transparent here and not downplay the real eventuality that coming out unfortunately might lead to rejection and thus acknowledge that the fear its totally founded. We are confronted with the terrible conundrum of Me versus you, us, family, friends, society and religion.

One option, of course, is to open up—to have an honest conversation with a partner or spouse about your desires. Though frightening, this can lead to profound transformation. In some cases, it can bring about a deeper connection, a more honest relationship built on mutual trust and renewed and deeper intimacy.. For others, though, the fear of rejection or misunderstanding is so overwhelming that it feels impossible to take that step.

The question then becomes: Which path do I choose? Continue hiding and bear the burden of secrecy, or risk exposing yourself in an effort to embrace your truth?

The Fear of Commitment: Is BDSM a Temporary Fantasy or a Lifelong Path?

Another source of ambivalence comes from the fear of committing to the BDSM lifestyle long-term. Many people are drawn to BDSM in fleeting moments of desire or curiosity but are afraid of what might happen if they fully embrace it. What if this is just a phase? What if it changes me in ways I’m not ready for?

BDSM, particularly when it involves training or deep psychological engagement, requires time, energy, and emotional commitment. There’s a fear that once you step onto this path, you may not be able to turn back. The potential for self-discovery is powerful, but it comes with the risk of unsettling parts of your identity. What if exploring BDSM means altering your relationships, your worldview, or your sense of self in ways that feel too overwhelming?

This is where the ambivalence intensifies: the desire to explore is strong, but the fear of fully stepping into that world, of being changed by it, can paralyse. The question isn’t just about whether you are ready for BDSM—it’s whether you are ready to confront the unknowns that come with it and be changed by it?

Breaking Free from the Gridlock, and embracing the chains…

Ultimately, the ambivalence between wanting to embrace BDSM and fearing it is a call to explore and move through fear, to work with it and break free from the gridlock. The key is understanding that fear doesn’t have to be something to overcome or suppress—it can be something to learn from.

The fear of vulnerability, exposure, and change is not something to be ignored. It’s a signal that you are on the verge of something transformative, a point where self-awareness and growth meet. To embrace BDSM is to commit to “personal development”, to confront your shadows, to engage in an honest exploration of your desires, to risk deep connection with yourself and others. But that journey requires acknowledging your fears, not running from them.

The path isn’t easy, and the ambivalence is real. Yet if you can embrace the discomfort, if you can face the fear head-on and push through, you may find that the rewards of self-discovery, deeper connection, and personal growth are worth it. The push and pull will always be there, but it’s through that tension that we find our truest selves and our erotic, creative fire, not to mention, incredible, wonderful sex.

So, what will you choose? Will you stay in the comfortable, familiar world of fear and secrecy, or will you take the leap and embrace the unknown, trusting that the journey will lead you to a more erotic, fuller, more authentic version of yourself? The answer is yours to discover—and it begins with facing the ambivalence, and learning to move through it.

With all my warmest wishes for the new year and your erotic explorations,

BDSM FOR COUPLES | Sessions, Rituals, Ceremonies, Mentoring and Coaching

I know from experience, being in a committed lifestyle D/s relationship myself, that BDSM partnerships have the possibility of being deeply fulfilling. 

They also can go badly wrong when people confuse “abuse” with “Dominance”, or forget to communicate. Also, when a Dominant or Sadist doesn’t have the correct skills required for certain activities, or a sub doesn't know or want to communicate his/her preference, hard and soft limits, a session can turn into a nightmare that could have been avoided with the appropriate training, researches. 

Honest communication on both parts is the cornerstone of consensual relationships, they can’t exist without this essential ingredient. 

It follows that this model transpires more readily in all areas of life than in a lot of vanilla partnerships. Plus it is fun and sexy to get involved together in learning more about what turns us on.

In this article, I give an account of some of the ways I work with couples. This is not exhaustive; as we all know that there are as many avenues to expressing our sexuality as there are people.

It takes a lot of courage both from a Dominant and a submissive to vow to be authentic and explore with openness what might turn each of us on, this creates a deeper sense of connection and love.

Because there is nothing like real live experiences, I have chosen a few examples of wonderful couples I have worked with which may sound partly relevant to your own journey. Or, if you are just starting to explore the vast - if very niche - territory of BDSM and kink, these little windows into other couples stories, might interest you.

1/ The young Mistress and her sub

BDSM mentoring, coaching and teaching 

She looks lovely in her leather skirt and her lace shirt revealing a gorgeous brassiere. She wears flat buckled black suede shoes. She is both confident and inquisitive, playful and bossy. She allows her puppy/slave to kiss her hands whilst wiggling his tail. Slave, exhausted after the session is very, very eager to oblige his cherished Mistress and wife... It is a lovely scene to behold.

During the coaching /thinking phase which happened previous to the session, Alia* and I, explored her style, her persona, and areas of uncertainty. Her slave wasn't present during this "Thinking Time". 

Alia is fairly new to this world: she has just finished the Dominatrix Seven Realm Arts™ certificate course with authoress and sex Educator Anne O Nommis*. Now she wants to get a broader experience by trying activities that she feels both, her husband and her will enjoy. 

We discuss the particular of the two techniques that we will work on this evening and review the plan of the session; We will integrate these "new" forms of play into the ensuing 1h30' 2.2.1 session that I have sketched in advance of their appointment. In this way, they will both benefit from the session: she can practice her favourite games and discover new "vocabulary" under guidance. 

He will be able to bask in glorious "sub-space" being dominated by two Women. She will also pick up things that she might use at a later stage on her own by shadowing me. 

2/ rose and her new Master: A celebration of love 

BDSM Couple session

Her voice is warm and vibrant; I haven't seen her in one year, rose explains that she has found a new Master and she has found love, may they visit for a session where I will dominate her for him. I remember rose very well: she is petite, golden, a mischievous masochist / submissive with a gorgeous smile. She embraces and endures pain with so much grace, sensuality and joy that it is a true delight to witness. I am glad to hear that she has found someone who might be as talented and dedicated as herself. 

Masters visit me sometimes with their submissives but in my space, I lead the dance. As in all cases, I exchange emails with both Mistress or Master and submissive (or two submissives). I thus get a feeling for both of them. This helps me either to create a Ritual around the event they wish to mark, tailor a session and/or get a sense of where mentoring could be needed, techniques improved or explored. We will define the goal(s) just before the session or the first of a series of sessions. 

During this exchange, we may find areas that need addressing, D/s dynamics, logistics, confidence, balancing reality and fantasy, managing expectations, communication... They will be discussed during coaching sessions. One to one coaching or "Thinking" sessions with either partner and both. The idea is to assist the D/s (or M/s) relationship flourish and both partners feel their desires are being met. Which can prove tricky at times.

3/ Victoire and slave b: flexing and stretching 

BDSM Mentoring session for a Lifestyle Dominatrix with my slave

Victoire is a remarkable Woman, she is beautiful, intelligent, intuitive, strong, caring and creative. A student of Anne O Nomis, she has been incorporating BDSM in her life ever since her husband confessed - after many years of marriage - that he is a submissive, always has been and can not repress this important part of himself anymore. Open and curious, she set out to explore how she could find “the Mistress” in herself. This led to various experiments with her husband and partner and also to the excellent course referred above. 

It is at the point of concluding the certificate that she contacted me for hands-on training without her husband. She planed to attend sessions here with her husband at a later stage of her training. And they did, several times.

Attending sessions without her partner whilst exploring her Dominatrix Persona, she could freely express herself without having her slave offering comments and directions during their play. She could also try various activities to have a feel for them on her own, without needing to “please” her beloved husband. 

In these sessions, I am assisted by one of my slaves who I know well. Because we trust each other, my slaves know that I will have their back whilst a novice Mistress stretches her wings. They know that I will insist on a careful awareness of where they are at any time, they know that I will enhance Nurturing, Connection, Communication and After Care.

Parallel to this, she comes for coaching / Thinking sessions to integrate the work done, to talk about how she is evolving into this nascent persona, the emotions or thoughts that might have been triggered in sessions. We explore how best she can incorporate BDSM into her life. Issues often crop up, especially in a couple who had a long vanilla relationship before switching to a BDSM lifestyle. 

4/ Amelia and georg: the Renewal of vows

BDSM Ritual Ceremony

georg contacted me to arrange a special ceremony for the 20th anniversary of his marriage with his Mistress. I understood that this celebration was both a celebration and an atonement on his part.

Amelia on her side wanted to renew her commitment and show her love to her sub/husband in the way they best enjoyed. They both wanted to reconnect to the magical space of their attachment to one another. I was to hold the space, be thee Disciplinarian and the withness of this deeply moving ritual with a seasoned couple.

These sessions don't require mentoring nor do they demand coaching. I am a privileged officiant and attendant to a very intimate event. 

5/ sam and sara: two submissives

BDSM couple session: one Mistress, two submissives

What happens when two persons have both a thirst to submit? 

There are many paths to explore for couples who desire to submit. Sara and sam have found many creative ways to explore their sexuality. sam and sara are kinky partners. They go to events where they play with other participants and they see Mistresses. In their amorous life, sara often plays the Dominant and they visit me when sara feels like being played with whilst her partner, in some sort of predicament, watches her delighting in pain and pleasure administered by a third person. 

Sara's exhibitionism and masochism as well as the impossibility to take part in what is happening nor to relieve himself due to strong bondage and forced chastity is ecstasy for sam.

Maîtresse Nuit

All participants names have been changed in order to preserved their identity

Should you wish to enquire about a BDSM Couple Session, Ritual or Ceremony, email me

If you want to know more about BDSM mentoring and Coaching consult this page and if you are interested in either or both, email me

Read

• The History of the Dominatrix by Anne O Nommis

• BDSM 101 by Rev. Jen is a must.

• The New Bottoming Book and its sister The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy are essential in BDSM aficionados bookshelves.

• Thinking Time or Thinking Session is how I like to call my Coaching sessions. I recommend anyone interested in D/s and intimate and authentic relationships to read this book on Listening: Time to Think by Nancy Kline.