The Push and Pull: Navigating the Ambivalence Between Embracing BDSM and Fearing It

Preambule

BDSM practitioners abide by the rule of SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. For us mutual respect, clear open communication, curiosity and trust, form the corner stone of our erotic explorations into power exchange.

“For nature's fascism is greater than that of any society. There is a daemonic instability in sexual relations that we may have to accept.” Camille Paglia “The Sexual Personae”

When inexperienced people think of BDSM they often misunderstand what it is all about, and view it from distorted lens. They make incorrect assumptions about what it is and who the people who participate in are.

BDSM which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism, can be understood as a niche within the larger umbrella of Kink. Kink, BDSM, and fetishes are sexual interests and/or behaviours that are atypical, meaning that the people who are into it represent a smaller proportion of the sexual behaviours of the general public. 

The open explorations of our sexual desires and fantasies of any kind, including BDSM, Kink and Fetishes lead to a fuller, healthier, empathetic, empowering, and of course, more erotic life.

Beneath the surface of these explorations lies something deeper—a path of self-awareness and personal growth, agency and authenticity. However, for those who feel drawn to BDSM, there is often a complex ambivalence at play: a simultaneous desire to embrace BDSM and explore one’s fantasies of power exchange, as well as an intense fear of what that might mean for one’s identity, relationships, and sense of security.

This internal conflict is common for many who explore BDSM for the first time. The excitement of discovering new aspects of themselves and playing with potent erotic material can be intoxicating, but the fear of fully stepping into that world—of confronting the deep-seated shadows within—can be equally overwhelming. It’s a dance between desire, curiosity and anxiety, vulnerability and self-protection, trust and fear.

The Desire to Explore vs. the Fear of Exposure.

For many, the initial attraction to BDSM is compelling. There’s a curiosity to explore power dynamics, to give up control or take it in a way that feels both freeing, erotic and exhilarating. The promise of self-discovery, creativity, and even spiritual awakening is alluring, empowering. There’s the possibility of uncovering aspects of oneself that have been repressed or hidden, breaking through the barriers of conventionality and entering a world where the mind and body are stretched in new, intense ways.

Yet, alongside this desire lies the looming fear. The fear of what others might think, the fear of vulnerability, and perhaps most pressing—the fear of change. To embrace BDSM is to open the door to new experiences that can feel destabilising, even threatening, and immensely erotic in the moment. Until… waking up from a hot fantasy, or even better a scene, questions arise often unwarranted: How will this fit with my life? Can I keep this hidden? What if I can’t handle it?

This internal tension—between wanting to explore and being afraid of what that exploration might demand—can create a kind of emotional gridlock. The pull towards BDSM feels like a call to authenticity, a chance to align more fully with one’s true desires, but the fear of exposing oneself, of being judged or misunderstood, and maybe rejected, holds many back. It’s the feeling of standing at the edge of something profound, yet recoiling from taking the leap.

The Shadow Within: Facing the Fear and discovering what an erotic life promises for those of us who are drawned to BDSM.

At the heart of this ambivalence lies the “shadow"— C.G.Jung called The Shadow those parts of ourselves that we are either unaware of, that we have possibly denied or/and never examined. The fear that accompanies BDSM often stems from these hidden aspects of our psyche: fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, and the unacknowledged needs that we fear will make us vulnerable or unacceptable to others.

BDSM can be much more than the sum of its physical acts of bondage or role-play, discipline, humiliation or gender exploration - to name but a few -; it’s about acknowledging and engaging with these aspects of shadow and coming face-to-face with the emotional and psychological baggage we carry. 

When we engage in BDSM, we explore how we feel about power, control, pain, and submission—both within the scene and inevitably within our own lives unless we live totally disassociated from ourselves. 

And we find out what living an erotic life offers: to be truly alive, intimate, engaged, connected.

“Eroticism, it may be said, is assenting to life up to the point of death.” Georges Bataille “Eroticism"

A Soul Centred approach to BDSM

Invites one to integrate the energy created by exploring our erotic fantasies in the “flesh” and bringing all the potency of being finally “at one” with our desires - however weird, unpalatable, politically incorrect, and sometimes repulsing they may be thought about by others - into one’s life. 

Note, I am talking about integrating the potency, not acting out in non-consensual manners.

Do we have the courage to acknowledge these hidden desires, to step into a space where we allow others to see our vulnerability and strength outside the safety of the dungeon?

The fear of exposing our true selves—our deepest desires, our fantasies, our fears—is a natural part of the process. But in order to truly grow, we must at least ask ourselves these questions, face that fear, not avoid it. This is the work that BDSM demands: honesty, transparency, and a willingness to confront those darker corners of our psyche. The act of submission, of letting go, requires deep trust—not just in the dominant partner but also in ourselves.

The Dilemma of Secrecy vs. Openness

For those who are deeply conflicted about embracing BDSM, another layer of ambivalence comes from the question of secrecy. Can you keep this aspect of yourself hidden, or will you eventually need to share it with others?

The temptation to compartmentalise one’s BDSM desires and keep them in a "separate" part of life is strong. For many, there’s a desire to explore this side of themselves but to keep it discreet, perhaps because of fear of judgment or potential fallout. What will my partner think? What if my friends and family find out? How can I reconcile this part of myself with my everyday life?

The problem with secrecy, however, is that it can become a burden. The weight of hiding part of who you are, of keeping something so fundamental to your well-being in the shadows, can create anxiety and tension. Those questions will persist: Can I continue to live this dual life? What happens if someone discovers my secret? Bear in mind that for some BDSM players, these fears are integral to their fantasy. 

I must be transparent here and not downplay the real eventuality that coming out unfortunately might lead to rejection and thus acknowledge that the fear its totally founded. We are confronted with the terrible conundrum of Me versus you, us, family, friends, society and religion.

One option, of course, is to open up—to have an honest conversation with a partner or spouse about your desires. Though frightening, this can lead to profound transformation. In some cases, it can bring about a deeper connection, a more honest relationship built on mutual trust and renewed and deeper intimacy.. For others, though, the fear of rejection or misunderstanding is so overwhelming that it feels impossible to take that step.

The question then becomes: Which path do I choose? Continue hiding and bear the burden of secrecy, or risk exposing yourself in an effort to embrace your truth?

The Fear of Commitment: Is BDSM a Temporary Fantasy or a Lifelong Path?

Another source of ambivalence comes from the fear of committing to the BDSM lifestyle long-term. Many people are drawn to BDSM in fleeting moments of desire or curiosity but are afraid of what might happen if they fully embrace it. What if this is just a phase? What if it changes me in ways I’m not ready for?

BDSM, particularly when it involves training or deep psychological engagement, requires time, energy, and emotional commitment. There’s a fear that once you step onto this path, you may not be able to turn back. The potential for self-discovery is powerful, but it comes with the risk of unsettling parts of your identity. What if exploring BDSM means altering your relationships, your worldview, or your sense of self in ways that feel too overwhelming?

This is where the ambivalence intensifies: the desire to explore is strong, but the fear of fully stepping into that world, of being changed by it, can paralyse. The question isn’t just about whether you are ready for BDSM—it’s whether you are ready to confront the unknowns that come with it and be changed by it?

Breaking Free from the Gridlock, and embracing the chains…

Ultimately, the ambivalence between wanting to embrace BDSM and fearing it is a call to explore and move through fear, to work with it and break free from the gridlock. The key is understanding that fear doesn’t have to be something to overcome or suppress—it can be something to learn from.

The fear of vulnerability, exposure, and change is not something to be ignored. It’s a signal that you are on the verge of something transformative, a point where self-awareness and growth meet. To embrace BDSM is to commit to “personal development”, to confront your shadows, to engage in an honest exploration of your desires, to risk deep connection with yourself and others. But that journey requires acknowledging your fears, not running from them.

The path isn’t easy, and the ambivalence is real. Yet if you can embrace the discomfort, if you can face the fear head-on and push through, you may find that the rewards of self-discovery, deeper connection, and personal growth are worth it. The push and pull will always be there, but it’s through that tension that we find our truest selves and our erotic, creative fire, not to mention, incredible, wonderful sex.

So, what will you choose? Will you stay in the comfortable, familiar world of fear and secrecy, or will you take the leap and embrace the unknown, trusting that the journey will lead you to a more erotic, fuller, more authentic version of yourself? The answer is yours to discover—and it begins with facing the ambivalence, and learning to move through it.

With all my warmest wishes for the new year and your erotic explorations,

THE ART OF BALANCING DESIRES: exploring eroticism beyond the shores of vanilla sex into femdom based bdsm and/or kink within a relationship.

From the fantasies of one partner, to the fantasies of both, to assessing each partners desires and exploring alone and together how to imagine and manifest a new shaped Femdom sex life.

A portion of my practice as a coach and mentor is dedicated to support people who either wish to explore their sexuality and have found that BDSM and/or kink speaks to them or those who already practice a form of Femdom based BDSM and/or kink.

I get requests for support when fairly new Dominants wish to have hands-on mentoring in real time in order to learn and/or develop certain skills as well as deepen their understanding of the psychology of BDSM and kink. These dominants may or not be in a committed relationship.

I also get request for support from couples who wish to deepen their practice and address issues they encounter which prevents them to fully enjoy their renewed sexuality and intimacy with each other.

The balancing of desires is often an underlying cause of tension between partners in a couple. This goes for vanilla as well a kinky and BDSM partners.

It can reveals itself as couples, who are in the midst of transforming their vanilla sex life into a form of BDSM and/or kink one, start experiencing discrepancies which are not always obvious to acknowledge.

Balancing desires presupposes that both partners have a sense of what they like and wish to experience, that they are aware of their sexual fantasies and that they are prepared to talk openly with each other. 

Research has shown that “greater sexual self-disclosure leads to greater emotional intimacy, which in turn facilitates increased sexual satisfaction” (MacNeil & Byers, 1997).  Furthermore, other studies have shown the link between sexual assertiveness, attachment orientation and sexual satisfaction: “sexual assertiveness is one distinct mechanism in the pathway between attachment orientation and sexual satisfaction. Further, this mediational model was significant for both genders separately.” (Eklund, R. & Hjelm, A. from Örebro University  2017).

KNOW THYSELF, KNOW YOUR PARTNER: Fantasy & reality

“Fantasy mirrors desire. Imagination reshapes it.”  Mason Cooley

Perhaps I am doomed to retrace my steps under the illusion that I am exploring, doomed to try and learn what I should simply recognise, learning a mere fraction of what I have forgotten.  Andre Breton

I ask each partner independently a series of questions which help them think about their sexual fantasies, what they already know they like and what they believe they would like to explore. I ask them what they wish to feel emotionally as well as physically. I ask them how they see themselves in the psychosexual game of avatars. Starting the investigation at the fantasy level, offers a playground where everything is possible. It is creative, unencumbered  by reality and logistics. It allows for little nuggets which may be lodged in the darkness to come to the surface. At this point it is crucial to be as uncensored as possible. This investigation looks at recurring images, dreams, passages in literature, paintings, photos, films sequences that have a strong erotic pull for each of the partners.

Once, the fantasy world has been examined, the investigation focuses on what each partner would like to experience in reality, it helps shape the play, highlights hard - taboos - and soft limits - maybe one day -. Because it brings back each partner to reality, it helps formulate how this dynamic could play out and be integrated into a more conventional life for instance, or how a 24/7 could look like. One soon discovers that there are as many ways to manifest a D/s or M/s dynamic as they are couples. It is most relevant here to have integrity with oneself.

For the Dominant, it is also a place where they can think on exploring skills and techniques they might want to develop.

Then the questionnaire looks at one’s partner, what the “investigator” knows about them sexually, emotionally, what they think their wonderful partner would like, dislike, where they could be curious, open. Here again, we look at avatars which, for being somewhat clichés, can help to start the elaboration and / or the development of a character. 

We examine what could prevent such a dynamic to manifesting: we look at fear, shame, past problems, residue of anger, how they may trip up this amazing plan of creating intimacy. 

This personal investigation is a crucial step: not only to have a better sense of oneself sexually and emotionally, but also because it serves as a foundation for the next step of communication and exploration with your partner. Through honest communication, vulnerability, we become sexually assertive as well as curious. Through being open, we can build intimacy, well-being and joy.

NAVIGATING UNCHARTED WATERS: Communication, Vulnerability, Trust, Intimacy

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.”  Rollo May

Now comes the time of sharing what each partner has learned during the personal enquiry phase. The key here is trust, curiosity, transparency, deep listening and setting uninterrupted amount of time for both of you to share and compare. 

It helps to not interrupt whilst one is talking and to paraphrase here and there. Make mental notes of questions you may have, or various feeling that a particular topic may have triggered but don’t ask questions until you both have shared.

This initial sharing will probably surprise both of you: I may confirm some things you thought you knew about your partner, it may as well highlight things that had completely escaped you. It may trigger emotions positive was well as negative, be gentle with yourself and with your partner. Remember to be curious, to trust yourself and your partner and the process. You are exploring each other psychosexual landscape, you are being open to each other, it is sexy to navigate uncharted waters. I find it helps when I remind my coachees that this is akin to playing, albeit without the accoutrements of BDSM and Kink. 

Be really aware of your partner as well as yourself, notice their breathing, their body posture, their eyes. Be totally with them, whilst remaining centred.

When we enter the realm of the unknown, libido wakes up. It can be scary, embarrassing, sometimes daunting. Feel the sensations that accompany the feelings, don’t push them aways, don’t resist them, take your time and if you can, embrace the discomfort. The sensations and feelings may morph into something incredibly hot and flowing or tickling and light like butterflies and silver fishes. You are creating a virtuous cycle.

If the discomfort is too much for one of you, you might want to call for a short timed pause that you both agree on: 5 to 15’ is enough. During this time, give each other space, don’t engage with other people -in real life or on your telephone- and resume the conversation.

Remember the aim of this first conversation is to share and listen, to re-establish trust and intimacy. Later on, you will have other conversations about exploring how you two can manifest a D/s relationship that nurture both, set intentions, and determine how it may look like in reality for you two. 

Nothing great is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig. I answer you that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen.  Epictetus

As  with the previous stage, the conversation can be done on your own or with the support of an intimacy coach or therapist, preferably versed in the subtleties of BDSM and Kink.

I wish you wonderful, authentic exchanges and hot connection!

Maîtresse Nuit

I’ll be happy to discuss with you how I may support you: contact me for an appointment 

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