The Push and Pull: Navigating the Ambivalence Between Embracing BDSM and Fearing It

Preambule

BDSM practitioners abide by the rule of SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. For us mutual respect, clear open communication, curiosity and trust, form the corner stone of our erotic explorations into power exchange.

“For nature's fascism is greater than that of any society. There is a daemonic instability in sexual relations that we may have to accept.” Camille Paglia “The Sexual Personae”

When inexperienced people think of BDSM they often misunderstand what it is all about, and view it from distorted lens. They make incorrect assumptions about what it is and who the people who participate in are.

BDSM which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism, can be understood as a niche within the larger umbrella of Kink. Kink, BDSM, and fetishes are sexual interests and/or behaviours that are atypical, meaning that the people who are into it represent a smaller proportion of the sexual behaviours of the general public. 

The open explorations of our sexual desires and fantasies of any kind, including BDSM, Kink and Fetishes lead to a fuller, healthier, empathetic, empowering, and of course, more erotic life.

Beneath the surface of these explorations lies something deeper—a path of self-awareness and personal growth, agency and authenticity. However, for those who feel drawn to BDSM, there is often a complex ambivalence at play: a simultaneous desire to embrace BDSM and explore one’s fantasies of power exchange, as well as an intense fear of what that might mean for one’s identity, relationships, and sense of security.

This internal conflict is common for many who explore BDSM for the first time. The excitement of discovering new aspects of themselves and playing with potent erotic material can be intoxicating, but the fear of fully stepping into that world—of confronting the deep-seated shadows within—can be equally overwhelming. It’s a dance between desire, curiosity and anxiety, vulnerability and self-protection, trust and fear.

The Desire to Explore vs. the Fear of Exposure.

For many, the initial attraction to BDSM is compelling. There’s a curiosity to explore power dynamics, to give up control or take it in a way that feels both freeing, erotic and exhilarating. The promise of self-discovery, creativity, and even spiritual awakening is alluring, empowering. There’s the possibility of uncovering aspects of oneself that have been repressed or hidden, breaking through the barriers of conventionality and entering a world where the mind and body are stretched in new, intense ways.

Yet, alongside this desire lies the looming fear. The fear of what others might think, the fear of vulnerability, and perhaps most pressing—the fear of change. To embrace BDSM is to open the door to new experiences that can feel destabilising, even threatening, and immensely erotic in the moment. Until… waking up from a hot fantasy, or even better a scene, questions arise often unwarranted: How will this fit with my life? Can I keep this hidden? What if I can’t handle it?

This internal tension—between wanting to explore and being afraid of what that exploration might demand—can create a kind of emotional gridlock. The pull towards BDSM feels like a call to authenticity, a chance to align more fully with one’s true desires, but the fear of exposing oneself, of being judged or misunderstood, and maybe rejected, holds many back. It’s the feeling of standing at the edge of something profound, yet recoiling from taking the leap.

The Shadow Within: Facing the Fear and discovering what an erotic life promises for those of us who are drawned to BDSM.

At the heart of this ambivalence lies the “shadow"— C.G.Jung called The Shadow those parts of ourselves that we are either unaware of, that we have possibly denied or/and never examined. The fear that accompanies BDSM often stems from these hidden aspects of our psyche: fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, and the unacknowledged needs that we fear will make us vulnerable or unacceptable to others.

BDSM can be much more than the sum of its physical acts of bondage or role-play, discipline, humiliation or gender exploration - to name but a few -; it’s about acknowledging and engaging with these aspects of shadow and coming face-to-face with the emotional and psychological baggage we carry. 

When we engage in BDSM, we explore how we feel about power, control, pain, and submission—both within the scene and inevitably within our own lives unless we live totally disassociated from ourselves. 

And we find out what living an erotic life offers: to be truly alive, intimate, engaged, connected.

“Eroticism, it may be said, is assenting to life up to the point of death.” Georges Bataille “Eroticism"

A Soul Centred approach to BDSM

Invites one to integrate the energy created by exploring our erotic fantasies in the “flesh” and bringing all the potency of being finally “at one” with our desires - however weird, unpalatable, politically incorrect, and sometimes repulsing they may be thought about by others - into one’s life. 

Note, I am talking about integrating the potency, not acting out in non-consensual manners.

Do we have the courage to acknowledge these hidden desires, to step into a space where we allow others to see our vulnerability and strength outside the safety of the dungeon?

The fear of exposing our true selves—our deepest desires, our fantasies, our fears—is a natural part of the process. But in order to truly grow, we must at least ask ourselves these questions, face that fear, not avoid it. This is the work that BDSM demands: honesty, transparency, and a willingness to confront those darker corners of our psyche. The act of submission, of letting go, requires deep trust—not just in the dominant partner but also in ourselves.

The Dilemma of Secrecy vs. Openness

For those who are deeply conflicted about embracing BDSM, another layer of ambivalence comes from the question of secrecy. Can you keep this aspect of yourself hidden, or will you eventually need to share it with others?

The temptation to compartmentalise one’s BDSM desires and keep them in a "separate" part of life is strong. For many, there’s a desire to explore this side of themselves but to keep it discreet, perhaps because of fear of judgment or potential fallout. What will my partner think? What if my friends and family find out? How can I reconcile this part of myself with my everyday life?

The problem with secrecy, however, is that it can become a burden. The weight of hiding part of who you are, of keeping something so fundamental to your well-being in the shadows, can create anxiety and tension. Those questions will persist: Can I continue to live this dual life? What happens if someone discovers my secret? Bear in mind that for some BDSM players, these fears are integral to their fantasy. 

I must be transparent here and not downplay the real eventuality that coming out unfortunately might lead to rejection and thus acknowledge that the fear its totally founded. We are confronted with the terrible conundrum of Me versus you, us, family, friends, society and religion.

One option, of course, is to open up—to have an honest conversation with a partner or spouse about your desires. Though frightening, this can lead to profound transformation. In some cases, it can bring about a deeper connection, a more honest relationship built on mutual trust and renewed and deeper intimacy.. For others, though, the fear of rejection or misunderstanding is so overwhelming that it feels impossible to take that step.

The question then becomes: Which path do I choose? Continue hiding and bear the burden of secrecy, or risk exposing yourself in an effort to embrace your truth?

The Fear of Commitment: Is BDSM a Temporary Fantasy or a Lifelong Path?

Another source of ambivalence comes from the fear of committing to the BDSM lifestyle long-term. Many people are drawn to BDSM in fleeting moments of desire or curiosity but are afraid of what might happen if they fully embrace it. What if this is just a phase? What if it changes me in ways I’m not ready for?

BDSM, particularly when it involves training or deep psychological engagement, requires time, energy, and emotional commitment. There’s a fear that once you step onto this path, you may not be able to turn back. The potential for self-discovery is powerful, but it comes with the risk of unsettling parts of your identity. What if exploring BDSM means altering your relationships, your worldview, or your sense of self in ways that feel too overwhelming?

This is where the ambivalence intensifies: the desire to explore is strong, but the fear of fully stepping into that world, of being changed by it, can paralyse. The question isn’t just about whether you are ready for BDSM—it’s whether you are ready to confront the unknowns that come with it and be changed by it?

Breaking Free from the Gridlock, and embracing the chains…

Ultimately, the ambivalence between wanting to embrace BDSM and fearing it is a call to explore and move through fear, to work with it and break free from the gridlock. The key is understanding that fear doesn’t have to be something to overcome or suppress—it can be something to learn from.

The fear of vulnerability, exposure, and change is not something to be ignored. It’s a signal that you are on the verge of something transformative, a point where self-awareness and growth meet. To embrace BDSM is to commit to “personal development”, to confront your shadows, to engage in an honest exploration of your desires, to risk deep connection with yourself and others. But that journey requires acknowledging your fears, not running from them.

The path isn’t easy, and the ambivalence is real. Yet if you can embrace the discomfort, if you can face the fear head-on and push through, you may find that the rewards of self-discovery, deeper connection, and personal growth are worth it. The push and pull will always be there, but it’s through that tension that we find our truest selves and our erotic, creative fire, not to mention, incredible, wonderful sex.

So, what will you choose? Will you stay in the comfortable, familiar world of fear and secrecy, or will you take the leap and embrace the unknown, trusting that the journey will lead you to a more erotic, fuller, more authentic version of yourself? The answer is yours to discover—and it begins with facing the ambivalence, and learning to move through it.

With all my warmest wishes for the new year and your erotic explorations,

SELF-CARE FOR DOMINANTS© | SELF-PACED ONLINE COURSE

What do we do as Dominants following SSC?

• We engage with sexual fantasy, open or repressed 

• We listen to bodies, emotions and minds, 

• We try to understand our charges

• We communicate

• We connect

• We create

• We direct

• We control

• We teach

• We allow

• We inflict pain, whether physical or, sometime emotional (in a consensual way)

• We chastise, humiliate, ignore, tease, deny etc (in a consensual way)

• We push boundaries

• We monitor progress

• We hold

• We indulge our fantasies 

Above all, we care.

As Professional and Scene Dominants, when a scene unfolds successfully and our submissives, slaves, pets, sissies, fetishists, and masochists engage wholeheartedly (when they are not merely passive observers), we enter a vibrant exchange of energy and Power that enriches the experience for all parties involved. As Lifestylers, when we thoughtfully create a structured framework that, overall, satisfies the needs and desires of both partners along the spectrum of Dominance and submission (such as Top/bottom, Master/slave dynamics, etc.), and can also accommodate the demands of our daily lives, the energy between us flows freely and abundantly. However, it is important to note that because the responsibility for this framework rests on the shoulders of the Dominant (even when we are actively co-creating with a devoted, engaged submissive), we run the risk of attempting to dominate while running on low reserves of energy, or even worse, on empty. Speaking as a Dominant woman, I must acknowledge that I do not have enough personal experience with male Dominants to gain a true understanding of how they uniquely express, feel, and reflect upon these dynamics. Nevertheless, I have a strong intuition that what I am describing should not be confined to a specific gender; rather, it holds relevance across the entire spectrum of Dominant and submissive relationships.

My experience is that if we want to practice our art with joy, it is worth thinking about a few things:

Being fully aware of what Power truly means, and recognizing how it feels to ourselves in different contexts, as well as understanding how the various ways to express it can evolve over time. Being conscious of our deepest desires, what genuinely turns us on, and how those sensations can shift and transform. Being attentive to our emotions, thoughts, and the myriad sensations we experience, and how they all contribute to the dynamics of “play.” Being mindful of how our sense of Dominance is impacted when we navigate the world beyond the structured D/s frame.

By honouring where we are at any given time, what we need from ourselves, our submissives, and the world, we can truly enjoy our art / practice and Domme from a “filled tank”, from abundance. 

This is the motivating reason why I have created this very first self-paced online course titled “Self-Care for Dominants.” It stands as the inaugural offering in an exciting series of comprehensive courses and workshops specifically designed to empower and educate BDSM and kink aficionados throughout their unique journeys. “Self-Care for Dominants” serves as a profound exploration of a set of concepts and practical tools that I utilise in my practice, aimed at effectively supporting my clients as they work towards achieving greater Inner-authority and an aligned or soul-centred stance both inside and outside the dungeon environment. This introduction aims to thoughtfully present what I understand as Soul-centred BDSM and kink, delve into the fascinating realm of archetypes and archetypal patterns, and illustrate how archetypal astrology can significantly enhance our understanding of these concepts, on one hand. On the other hand, it serves as an insightful introduction to the powerful and transformative set of tools offered by Positive Intelligence® to bolster our mental health, facilitate Shadow work, and guide us on Initiatory Journeys that align us with our true Self and our soul purpose.

The course will launch on 25th October 2024

Leave your comments, I am interested to hear from you.

Have a wonderful October and look after yourselves!

Nuit d’Or

• Head to Courses if you are interested

   • Follow me on X @MaitresseNuit and @NuitdOr_Coach

   • Follow me on Youtube www.youtube.com/@maitressenuittheartofSoul9758

I am available for coaching if you feel you would like to explore further with me.

Coaching helps you improve your overall well-being, enhances your self-connection, fosters balance and empowerment, and boosts your creativity and sense of wonder and play.

Contact me