BDSM FOR COUPLES | Sessions, Rituals, Ceremonies, Mentoring and Coaching

I know from experience, being in a committed lifestyle D/s relationship myself, that BDSM partnerships have the possibility of being deeply fulfilling. 

They also can go badly wrong when people confuse “abuse” with “Dominance”, or forget to communicate. Also, when a Dominant or Sadist doesn’t have the correct skills required for certain activities, or a sub doesn't know or want to communicate his/her preference, hard and soft limits, a session can turn into a nightmare that could have been avoided with the appropriate training, researches. 

Honest communication on both parts is the cornerstone of consensual relationships, they can’t exist without this essential ingredient. 

It follows that this model transpires more readily in all areas of life than in a lot of vanilla partnerships. Plus it is fun and sexy to get involved together in learning more about what turns us on.

In this article, I give an account of some of the ways I work with couples. This is not exhaustive; as we all know that there are as many avenues to expressing our sexuality as there are people.

It takes a lot of courage both from a Dominant and a submissive to vow to be authentic and explore with openness what might turn each of us on, this creates a deeper sense of connection and love.

Because there is nothing like real live experiences, I have chosen a few examples of wonderful couples I have worked with which may sound partly relevant to your own journey. Or, if you are just starting to explore the vast - if very niche - territory of BDSM and kink, these little windows into other couples stories, might interest you.

1/ The young Mistress and her sub

BDSM mentoring, coaching and teaching 

She looks lovely in her leather skirt and her lace shirt revealing a gorgeous brassiere. She wears flat buckled black suede shoes. She is both confident and inquisitive, playful and bossy. She allows her puppy/slave to kiss her hands whilst wiggling his tail. Slave, exhausted after the session is very, very eager to oblige his cherished Mistress and wife... It is a lovely scene to behold.

During the coaching /thinking phase which happened previous to the session, Alia* and I, explored her style, her persona, and areas of uncertainty. Her slave wasn't present during this "Thinking Time". 

Alia is fairly new to this world: she has just finished the Dominatrix Seven Realm Arts™ certificate course with authoress and sex Educator Anne O Nommis*. Now she wants to get a broader experience by trying activities that she feels both, her husband and her will enjoy. 

We discuss the particular of the two techniques that we will work on this evening and review the plan of the session; We will integrate these "new" forms of play into the ensuing 1h30' 2.2.1 session that I have sketched in advance of their appointment. In this way, they will both benefit from the session: she can practice her favourite games and discover new "vocabulary" under guidance. 

He will be able to bask in glorious "sub-space" being dominated by two Women. She will also pick up things that she might use at a later stage on her own by shadowing me. 

2/ rose and her new Master: A celebration of love 

BDSM Couple session

Her voice is warm and vibrant; I haven't seen her in one year, rose explains that she has found a new Master and she has found love, may they visit for a session where I will dominate her for him. I remember rose very well: she is petite, golden, a mischievous masochist / submissive with a gorgeous smile. She embraces and endures pain with so much grace, sensuality and joy that it is a true delight to witness. I am glad to hear that she has found someone who might be as talented and dedicated as herself. 

Masters visit me sometimes with their submissives but in my space, I lead the dance. As in all cases, I exchange emails with both Mistress or Master and submissive (or two submissives). I thus get a feeling for both of them. This helps me either to create a Ritual around the event they wish to mark, tailor a session and/or get a sense of where mentoring could be needed, techniques improved or explored. We will define the goal(s) just before the session or the first of a series of sessions. 

During this exchange, we may find areas that need addressing, D/s dynamics, logistics, confidence, balancing reality and fantasy, managing expectations, communication... They will be discussed during coaching sessions. One to one coaching or "Thinking" sessions with either partner and both. The idea is to assist the D/s (or M/s) relationship flourish and both partners feel their desires are being met. Which can prove tricky at times.

3/ Victoire and slave b: flexing and stretching 

BDSM Mentoring session for a Lifestyle Dominatrix with my slave

Victoire is a remarkable Woman, she is beautiful, intelligent, intuitive, strong, caring and creative. A student of Anne O Nomis, she has been incorporating BDSM in her life ever since her husband confessed - after many years of marriage - that he is a submissive, always has been and can not repress this important part of himself anymore. Open and curious, she set out to explore how she could find “the Mistress” in herself. This led to various experiments with her husband and partner and also to the excellent course referred above. 

It is at the point of concluding the certificate that she contacted me for hands-on training without her husband. She planed to attend sessions here with her husband at a later stage of her training. And they did, several times.

Attending sessions without her partner whilst exploring her Dominatrix Persona, she could freely express herself without having her slave offering comments and directions during their play. She could also try various activities to have a feel for them on her own, without needing to “please” her beloved husband. 

In these sessions, I am assisted by one of my slaves who I know well. Because we trust each other, my slaves know that I will have their back whilst a novice Mistress stretches her wings. They know that I will insist on a careful awareness of where they are at any time, they know that I will enhance Nurturing, Connection, Communication and After Care.

Parallel to this, she comes for coaching / Thinking sessions to integrate the work done, to talk about how she is evolving into this nascent persona, the emotions or thoughts that might have been triggered in sessions. We explore how best she can incorporate BDSM into her life. Issues often crop up, especially in a couple who had a long vanilla relationship before switching to a BDSM lifestyle. 

4/ Amelia and georg: the Renewal of vows

BDSM Ritual Ceremony

georg contacted me to arrange a special ceremony for the 20th anniversary of his marriage with his Mistress. I understood that this celebration was both a celebration and an atonement on his part.

Amelia on her side wanted to renew her commitment and show her love to her sub/husband in the way they best enjoyed. They both wanted to reconnect to the magical space of their attachment to one another. I was to hold the space, be thee Disciplinarian and the withness of this deeply moving ritual with a seasoned couple.

These sessions don't require mentoring nor do they demand coaching. I am a privileged officiant and attendant to a very intimate event. 

5/ sam and sara: two submissives

BDSM couple session: one Mistress, two submissives

What happens when two persons have both a thirst to submit? 

There are many paths to explore for couples who desire to submit. Sara and sam have found many creative ways to explore their sexuality. sam and sara are kinky partners. They go to events where they play with other participants and they see Mistresses. In their amorous life, sara often plays the Dominant and they visit me when sara feels like being played with whilst her partner, in some sort of predicament, watches her delighting in pain and pleasure administered by a third person. 

Sara's exhibitionism and masochism as well as the impossibility to take part in what is happening nor to relieve himself due to strong bondage and forced chastity is ecstasy for sam.

Maîtresse Nuit

All participants names have been changed in order to preserved their identity

Should you wish to enquire about a BDSM Couple Session, Ritual or Ceremony, email me

If you want to know more about BDSM mentoring and Coaching consult this page and if you are interested in either or both, email me

Read

• The History of the Dominatrix by Anne O Nommis

• BDSM 101 by Rev. Jen is a must.

• The New Bottoming Book and its sister The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy are essential in BDSM aficionados bookshelves.

• Thinking Time or Thinking Session is how I like to call my Coaching sessions. I recommend anyone interested in D/s and intimate and authentic relationships to read this book on Listening: Time to Think by Nancy Kline.

INTIMACY, GENDER REVERSAL, THE FEMALE COCK: musing on a photo set by Natasha Gornik

Looking at “Gender reversal” new photo set, I am reminded of the intimacy between photographer and the subject which parallels the intimacy created by the power dynamics of a D/s scene. 

First act: The photo: Mistress in male dress, a bundle of rope in hand.

The refracted light from a small jewel lamp hits the crescent of a low table and shapes the scene. The iridescent diamond rays chisel the polished amber wood, the upholstered cushion of a cream sofa and the hand holding lightly the knotted ends of a rope. The rays fan out seemingly absorbed by the seams of the curved backrest which prolongate the effect, opening the stage of what is to come. 

The photo centres on a woman looking directly at the camera in a man’s attire, holding a bundle of rope, seated with her legs wide open. Her necktie is undone, seemingly at the ready to be used as a blindfold, gag or bondage. The shirt is unbuttoned to the sternum. The opened collar draws an arrow of near cinnamon skin which emphasises the intent of the woman’s gaze and then leads the eyes to the geometrically lit hand and the rope in a continuous loop. 

Diamond light, fingers, rope, white shirt, neck, oval of the face, long nose, black eyes, slicked-back hair, the soft curve of the sofa, eyes, oval, v of the neck, white shirt and undone tie, rope, fingers, diamond light… This little dance of the submissive eyes lowered, then peeking higher up to get a glance at the Dominant is interrupted by the magical composition which compels to go further, into a wider loop and the sketched unknown.

The gaze is pulled to the left of the sitter, in the space which opens past the woman and into the bejewelled lit darkness, punctuated by two little lamps, upholstered cream low chairs and pouffes, and to the right at the very back of the room, where, in a pool of blurred gold, sits a table and a glass cabinet reflecting yet another of the precious lamps. 

The eyes are brought back to the woman via a column of disrupted incandescence. And the little dance of the eyes starts again, unsuspectingly entrapped by the diffracted beams which, with each new loop cocoons and binds the viewer in this, the prologue of a scene.

This photograph is one of a new set we created, Natasha Gornik “Gender reversal”.

Interlude: a meeting of minds, a glamours setting, a bundle of rope and a concealed cock.

Ever since I came back to London for 18 months looking after my mother in Switzerland, I knew I was due a new series of photos. Two ideas - a gender reversal series and a Goddess shoot inspired by the iconic film Metropolis from master director Fritz Lang - had been promenading my mind for the past several years. I had not yet materialised them.  

So, when my friend and fellow kinkster, the visual artist & photographer Natasha Gornik decided to visit, it was time to play and go to work. Ruby, the owner of the elegant bar Fontaine’s in Dalston opened her beautiful space for us on a sunny Sunday and we jammed on the reversal of roles, the Female cock, played with images that sprang from my childhood befuddlement at the concepts of genre.

Flash back to first intimations of gender and pan sexuality. The paintings and Ink drawings of Leonor Fini open the doors to a universe of shadows illuminated by ambivalent, transgressive actors immersed in erotic explorations.

As a little girl, I was forever vexed at my short hair and the diktat of modernist sobriety imposed by my very aesthetically conscious parents. All I wanted was long locks, ballet shoes, tutus and frills… I was fascinated by my beautiful Venus of a mother and would experiment with her make-up, try on her laced bras, and stockings and totter in her high heels as soon as she was out of the house. In her cupboard, effluvia of Mitsouko, her perfume, lingered and each item of lingerie was stamped with the mysterious fragrance composed in 1919 by Jacques Guerlain. The delicate and complex scent, fruity yet spicy transported me to an alternative world where I was one of the gorgeous sphinxes of Leonor Fini. In a whirl of black gauzes and lace, my face half-revealed by a beautiful feathered mask, I observed a party perched on a rock before descending and joining the dancers. 

Leonor Fini art is one of my first childhood aesthetic revelations. Together with Degas and Jean Cocteau. they articulated at different levels my nascent passion for “the Theatre of Life”, the power of performance, and the intimate connection with self that is asked by the Muses. They each exposed a sensuality transcended in their medium. Unbeknownst to me, Cocteau and Fini also revealed a sexual ambivalence that attracted me from the first time I set my eyes on their work. 

“A painting is something like a spectacle, a theatre piece in which each figure lives out her part.” Leonor Fini

Second act: Eros transcends gender and leads to transformation.

Back to the first photo set: I wanted to play with male stereotypes and clichés of the sexual stance that can deliciously turn on the submissive in a series of subversive little choreographies of the eyes. 

For once, I dropped leather and corset and donned pinned stripes, a white shirt and a tie. I kept diaphanous nylons and black patent stilettos though. And my cock.

Reminiscent of old French torch songs when young women are seduced by beautiful, sulphurous men who open the door to pleasures unknown, this set is also inspired by Anais Nin’s expressive sensual writings.

Sex has no gender for me. It is an infinite stage of experimentation and if I prefer the constraining, hierarchical and ritualistic language of BDSM, it is because I find that limitations offer an unimaginable scope for the imagination and for pushing the boundaries of our mundane minds and bodies and transcend our realities.

When we play with genres, exploring feminity and masculinity, we discover the Pan nature of lust that knows no boundaries, but only pleasure and connection. When we explore pain, restriction, Dominance and submission, we extend the repertoire of sensations and connections. When we engage in humiliation and transgression consensually, we open the doors to unspoken, concealed arousal and connection. Erotic connection accesses our emotions as well as our sensuality and our lusts, we transcend ourselves and delve into the Sacred.

Third act: The dance of intimacy

The diamond beams ignite your surrender as you kneel in front of your Mistress in the sepia glow of the bar, and the net is cast.

I watch you in a similar way I watched the camera when Natasha pressed the shutter. 

It is an appraisal and a breath, a suspended moment where our energies orbit each other. Then, the dance starts as I describe what will happen. With each word, you relax and offer your will, with each breath you melt into the shapes I lead you in. Breath and words are the musical structure of connection. Sensations and emotions released by them as you dive deeper into yourself, deeper into submission charge my lead as I transport you into this dance that transmutes us both.

Maîtresse Nuit

More on Bondage, gender exploration etc

If gender explorations, bondage and/or role play, attract you, you may find the section on Transformation & Feminisation, Bondage and / or Role play of interest.

Should you be a true devotee: you may email me for a Pro-Domme session after having made sure we are suited.

This post may have intrigued you and you may wish to explore your interest in kink and BDSM in transformational life coaching or mentoring with me. I am an EMCC-certified coach & mentor.

You may also have questions and/or issues revolving around your practice as a Mistress, Master or as a sub, you would like to explore. I’ll be happy to think of solutions with you. Read more on coaching & mentoring